decisions-and-impulsivitySuccess isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’ lives~ Michelle Obama 

We live in a world where money is important, where materialism is prevalent and often times where status is indirectly proportional to one’s bank account. Growing up I heard a lot of cliched statements associated with the above statement, study hard, get a good education, get a great job and will be able to get a heavenly salary package! Sounds familiar? Yes, I worked hard, extremely hard, burnt midnight oil, got good grades, in fact even topped the country in History in my major Board Exams! How come I did not pursue liberal arts and changed my path to become a doctor always left a deep question mark in my mind. Was it destiny or did I purposely get engulfed in the stereotypical path of having the title of  being a doctor?

Life moved on at it’s jet sonic pace, nurturing the family, trying to fulfill all responsibilities, working full time and content with seeing the checks rolling in. I was on sky high, jubilant with all the accolades and walked with immense pride as I felt I was doing a fantastic job! However, one corner of my brain always questioned me, rattled my thinking power, what would it be like if I decided not to work, stay home and be a full time homemaker? I wanted to see what existed in that part of life’s spectrum. I felt I was missing something colossal, something monumental, something convivial, where women had the luxury to control their family schedule, meet for coffee/lunches, catch up with their friends, trips to the malls, afternoon naps, above all having time in control. I was desperate to get the taste of being a woman who did not run around the clock, who had time in her hands and was not bound. Was I right in my thinking? I was betwixt and between as I knew in the back of my mind staying home and attending to all the duties was an arduous job! I was utterly muddled up, my thoughts were paralyzed, well not to live with any regrets in my life I chose to take a break from work and readily quit from my medical practice. Was it a good decision? Absolutely it was! I stayed home for a year, followed my heart’s chalk talk and tried to fill in the empty pieces of the puzzle. Did I miss work, not at all! 

Where did one year fly away, I am still unable to fathom! I was a happy camper, dropping and picking my daughter from school, hot lunch drop offs, regular mall visits, emptying the wallet for no reason, lunches with friends, non stop chatter, gym time and the list goes on. I was on cloud nine and I did not want this alluring time frame to slip away from my hands. As the saying is, ” Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did ” ~ Mark Twain… I was doing all what my heart desired for, I wanted to do it all!

I did not want this time frame to cease, wanted it to go on forever. I thought I was becoming a ninny hammer, a total basket case, kind of a nervous wreck  who constantly imagined my life minus all these activities and not having all in control! I was a changed person whose brain was completely transposed. I was emerging to be a flip flop person from someone who was always focused on her goals and now was wither brained! What was going on? I was confused, discombobulated, disconcerted and again had no sense of direction. You know what, frustration had slowly creeped into my system as I thought I had it all but end of the day something was terribly missing in my life! I pondered over it constantly but to no avail! I still remember how my husband regularly reminded me of the day when I took the oath of being a doctor and promised to follow my passion with full sincerity. I owed it to my fellow beings, to the community, to all who needed the help and above all to myself! Night and day this thought was cemented in one corner of my brain, I thought I was going cuckoo, had bats in the belfry and was hopping around acting as mad as a March hare could be! Now what was wrong? Well this went on for months and my frustration was reaching its peak, utter dismay and a feeling of vexation coupled with chagrin. 

October 2018, was a turning point when I met a dear friend after a long time and expressed my disgruntled feeling to her. She very gently slapped some metaphorical sense in me to get back on my toes. That conversation led me to dip my feet again in the water after a hiatus from my work. My friend and colleague happily offered me to work with her as a part time associate. I wasn’t fully ready yet, had self doubt but took the plunge in the vast titanic ocean with illimitable boundaries. I was back in action however only part time, trying to understand what fate had to unfold for me. The first day of work felt as though I was a kindergartner who had just started school, who was so lost sweating bullets and anxiously waiting for the bell to ring. Well, fortunately this was short lived, and I was back at work like a lioness charging forward.

I’m going to give you a gold card, best explanation of my eye exam ever, thank you so much for making me see the world a bit brighter than before, wow I can see, I can see! When I was flooded with such comments by my patients, my heart was full of gratitude and immense joy! I was on cloud nine, floating around, beaming and exhilarated that I was no less than anyone around me. Was this arrogance, braggadocio behavior with me trying to walk around in a blow hard manner? Mused over it, pondered hard, looked for the right answers and realized that it was my commitment, my undying flame of being with my patients that I had bottled up. I had to offer myself, balm their concerns and extend my comforting hand to those in need. I knew that I was gifted with the healing touch and  mitigate the pain that is prevalent around in others lives. 

Choices, ultimately it’s all about that, what gives us the twists and turns, gives us a churn with a jolt that we are incomplete without that cause, that’s it, grab it tight! It’s okay to choose again and again and again…as some are trivial and some are like mammoths! We all are often in a dilemma when we feel endangered, are at a splitting fork unable to pick the path to tread on. The decomposing and disquieting feeling can shake you, but it’s okay as we always have more choices to choose from. No need to dilly dally, we are free to decide from the infinite universe. 

As the wise say~ When you’ve done millions of pros/cons lists, and you’ve flipped coins hoping that you’ll know which choice is the one you want before the coin hits the ground, but you come out empty handed, you might need to know that there is no such thing as the wrong decision!

I made my choice, trying to live up to it, the older I get, more miles being added in my odometer, but it keeps me happy and content! I have finally stumbled across the antiquated truth, wherever you are be all there!  

  1. Very well written Mona ! From the heart and interesting reading. You have such a great command over the language, you are a great writer which is what you would been if you did not go to Medical School. But now you are both. Honestly I had to look up some words in the dictionary to connect the dots.

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